“Having kids or not?” – This wasn't a common question a decade ago. Where I come from, having kids is seen as a sign of progress in life. Therefore, this life event comes with a tight deadline and is heavily influenced by your closest social circle. Ignorance is bliss, they say, and I sincerely believe that in my case, being unaware of other options worked out great, and I absolutely love being a mother.
When I first held my daughter in my arms, I thought, "We did it," as naïve as I could be. Little did I know that was only the beginning of the journey. Raising a child is a lifelong responsibility. I wasn't ready then, and I don't think I will ever be fully prepared for the ride.
I am still a work in progress as a parent, passing on my biases, but here is how parenthood has changed me for the better over time. Needless to say, these are my personal views and the perspectives I strongly resonate with.
Selfless love: In my opinion, many of us are accustomed to loving others for what they can do for us in return. However, kids, especially babies, teach you to expect nothing in return. You love them because they are weak, helpless, and dependent. This is a reminder that none of us are self-sufficient and that we are always in someone's debt – someone who is willing to love the weak. As counterintuitive as it may feel, you derive happiness by being of service to someone.
Going beyond the obvious: When a child is angry and throwing tantrums, as a parent, you are more concerned about what is causing this behavior rather than focusing solely on the behavior itself. This principle holds true for any relationship – focusing on the intent and not assuming things based on someone's current action. Intent matters more than the immediate reaction.
Building trust: Trust is a two-way street. As much as I expected my daughter to come home and tell me everything that happened at school and the playground, all I got was a high-level overview of the day's activities. She mirrored my narrative of what happened at work. However, once I opened up about something difficult at work, she opened up too. You need to give first, always.
Having meaningful conversations: One thing I noticed was that I spent too much time on practical and transactional conversations rather than engaging in quality ones. For example, asking about eating or finishing homework versus asking about their day at school or who they had lunch with. Over time, a barrier is built, and it becomes difficult to have deep and meaningful conversations with your child. Get used to having open and sometimes awkward conversations while they are young.
Walking the talk: Parenting serves as a giant mirror, reflecting your good, bad, and ugly sides. It can be frustrating because unless you address your own flaws, you cannot expect your child to do the same. It would be hypocritical. What you do on your bad days truly defines who you are. They are watching you and absorbing things subconsciously. You lose credibility and respect if your actions don't align with your words.
Raising kids: Parents often dream about what they want their kids to become, often associating it with their future jobs. However, I came across a tweet by David Morris that I absolutely loved: "Success as a parent is measured in decades, not in days." The way to think about raising kids is to define what kind of a person s/he should become. This one simple change in the thought process can give a lot of clarity on the kind of value system you need to instill.
Retaining your identity: Many parents of previous generations associated their identity solely with their children. While they had their own ambitions, somewhere along the way, they chose to give them up. One of the strongest lessons my mother taught me was to retain my own identity, showing my kids that my life is independent of theirs. Setting an example that I can have personal time to pursue my own passions, interests, and maintain meaningful friendships.
Relinquishing control: In a recent podcast by Prof. Dr. Raj Raghunathan, author of "If You Are Smart, Why Aren't You Happy," he mentioned one reason why most relationships struggle is the fear of relinquishing control. Especially with children, the more control you try to exert over them, the more rebellious or introverted and underconfident they may become. Showing unconditional love is the only way kids turn around and come back to you, not control. Love is more powerful than control.
Every generation believes they are wiser than the previous one and cooler than the next. Looking back at the past decade, it's clear to see how parenting has been a transformative experience for me. Each day has brought new lessons and challenges, shaping me into a better person and parent. As I think the next decade of parenting and raising a teenager, I anticipate more growth, challenges and learning. I hope to revisit this essay and write a part 2 of my journey.
Some articles I enjoyed about parenting are here,
http://www.paulgraham.com/kids.html
http://www.paulgraham.com/vb.html
https://www.samharris.org/blog/the-high-cost-of-tiny-lies
Wonderful write up. Great reflections for budding parents, @ramya.
Beautifully penned 😍😍